Nobrainer’s Think Tank

Years back, “Wonderful Bobby” Mugabe did the poor landless blacks of Zimbabwe a huge favor. He seized farms from the whites and gave them away to the poor blacks.

And now everyone is fatter and happier. Just kidding.

Rashid Khalikov, director of the U.N. Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs, said the country needed 1.8 million metric tons of maize, but only 600,000 metric tons was forecast to be harvested.

Although to be fair to his land re-distribution policies, Mugabe’s other economic policies — excessive printing of money and price controls — have probably made farming completely unprofitable.

But we all know the real truth. It’s a plot by the White Devil and he is simply the “victim of Western sabotage.”

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Chavez is en route to destroying his country. That pretty much sucks for low class Venezuelans, but it is great news for me and all Americans.

• He loves to hear himself speak
• He provides great sound bites
• He convinces a large number of Americans that his ideas are good
• Meanwhile his policy of redistribution fails miserably and creates a very visible representation of why Americans don’t really want socialism

Now he’s apparently moving quickly with conceptual plans for “social, or collective, property.” The goal is to seize private property, redistribute it, and form collectives to be “managed by workers who share profits.”

It reminds me of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

It also reminds of Zimbabwe, where “Wonderful Bobby” Mugabe took the land away from people who knew how to grow things like food — I call them “farmers” — and distributed the land to poor desperate souls who didn’t have much of a clue how to grow things. That is always a winning plan for creating an abundant food crop.

In addition to land, Chavez also nationalized the “telecommunications company and the electricity sector, and imposing greater state control over the oil and natural gas industries,” but you already knew that. He’s also planning to increase luxury taxes and do away with those silly presidential term limits.

Of course a few realistic folks are questioning the results of his oh-so-good-intentions:

“If Mr. Chavez really wants to help Venezuela’s poor farmers, he must offer them technical assistance and sufficient financing because land doesn’t become productive without investment,” said opposition leader Alfonzo Marquina. “We’re only seeing increasing shortages and more expensive products.” [emphasis mine]

But hey, despite severe restrictions of the press, “[s]upporters say Venezuela’s democracy is as healthy as ever.” Admittedly, I’m not sure what the benchmark for Venezuelan democracy is. The supporters also really appreciate Chavez’s initiatives.

Oh well, as long as the people of Venezuela are content with waiting for Chavez’s initiatives to work and/or for him to die, it’s really none of my business.

Things don’t seem to be getting any better in the land where Z$500 is worth less than a sheet of toilet paper. Inflation is up to 1,600 percent. Bread is becoming unaffordable. And “[t]he 450-odd junior doctors who run the hospitals are in their eighth week of a strike. So are about a quarter of the 100,000 teachers. The civil service is mooting similar action.”

So what is a corrupt dictator to do in such dire times? Why throw a party for himself of course. And the Z$300 million needed for it can easily be found by “deducting money from civil servants’ wages and bullying near-bankrupt businesses for donations.” (Although he deserves credit for not just printing the money needed. But maybe his printing presses just can’t keep up?) And because its his birthday, 83 year-old and spry looking Robert Mugabe also “imposed a three-month ban on political rallies and demonstrations across large parts of Harare” because of his love for his people.

What a guy!

Hey, when you are the “Most Consistent and Authentic Revolutionary Leader” you get to do what you want.

The work even better for staple items like bread.

Just ask Zimbabwe and the two bread executives who were put in prison for raising prices without government approval.

Mudumo’s organization said many smaller bakeries had already gone out of business and warned that bread would likely disappear from the shelves altogether in coming months if prices were not increased — with the loss of thousands of jobs as more bakers shut down.

Bakers battled to trim production costs by phasing out printed packaging with their brand names, finding inferior ingredients, blending flour with corn meal and shutting down slicing machines, it said.

Zimbabwe, if you recall, is the country who’s $500 bill is worth the same as a sheet of toilet paper.

Zimbabwe’s smallest denomination banknote is Z$500. That is a fraction of the price of a roll of lavatory paper at Z$150,000, leading to inevitable jokes about how to express one’s point of view of Robert Mugabe’s regime.

To spare you the calculations, one roll of toilet paper, if paid with Z$500 notes, requires 300 of those notes.

To further spare you the research, I traversed to the deep, dark depths of my very own bathroom to discover how many sheets are in each roll. Fortunately I was saved the ignominious toil of counting each sheet because the rolls were still in the wrapper. My Kroger-Brand “Nice ‘n Soft” rolls each contain “352 two-ply sheets per roll.” And those are double rolls.

The Government refuses to print notes higher than Z$50,000 despite a 1,000 per cent inflation rate, claiming it would be ‘inflationary’

On the upside, entertainment remains cheap.

Only condoms, which cost $Z300 because they are heavily subsidised by the international community, seem inflation-proof.

Wow..