Nobrainer’s Think Tank

“And then there’s the fact that for the last five years America has been ripped apart by a maelstrom of cheerleader sex, substance abuse and violence.”

The Guardian article goes on to list 8 examples demonstrating the overwhelming extent to which cheerleading is a, to quote the Fark headline, “’sport’ in ‘crisis’”. The writer suggests that cheerleaders here are given the same regard as the Royal Family in Britain.

“Ripped apart”? By cheerleaders? Not the war in Iraq, or CIA leaks, or Hurricane Katrina — no, no, no! The last five years of the Bush presidency have apparently been bad because of the shenanigans of a handful of pubescent girls.

Problem solved. Karl Rove will soon be dispatching his minions.

Months ago AndyI posted about SinceSlicedBread. The goal of the website was to collect ideas and enable voting to determine the next great idea since sliced bread. Says AndyI:

I have never seen so may socialist/communist/just plain silly ideas. Go on and get a laugh at what some people write.

Well they’ve gotten down to the 7 finalists and they are supremely laughable, right along the lines Andy mentioned. Remember my post about the Missouri legislator who wanted to ban the sale of cold beer? Well the ideas are pretty much that bad.

In jest, I suggested a law to mandate conservation. We clearly use electricity we don’t need all the time: tvs, computers, christmas lights, etc. It would be simple to destroy, outlaw, and penalize to accomplish this goal. Little did I know that my joke was operating at just about the same wavelength of the people taking it seriously.

What’s the summary of the top 7 ideas? In no particular order:
1. universal health care (it should be a right) — I ask how much is a right and how much is just extra..
2. education reform (tax the rich and give to the poor)
3. save social security by taxing the rich more
4. tie minimum wage to inflation
5. Create “Civil Works Corps”
6. outlaw job-based health care, mandate “national healtcare insurance”, pay it with a sales tax
7. Sustainable Resource Industries (taxing the bejeezus out of anything that doesn’t make tree huggers happy. where globalized “labor, production, and ideas” — also known as letting other countries use their minds and assets to compete, which is bad — has “marginalized [our] quality of life”)

Actually, let me just block quote #7:

Globalization of labor, production, and ideas and an industrial economy based on subsidized fossil fuels have set the stage for economic and social instability, continued outsourcing of jobs, and marginalized quality of life. We can create a new economy based on environmentally benign industries and energy.

Impose a “resource tax” on pollution, development, and fossil fuel to pay for development of renewable energy and environmental restoration. Promoting sustainable localized energy industries (solar, wind, hydro, tidal, biofuels) will provide reliable, clean homegrown energy, exportable technologies, and bring energy jobs home. Funding widespread environmental restoration will expand existing industries (farming, recreation, tourism, and commercial fisheries) that are dependent on ecological services and will foster research, design and technology industries.

Working families will benefit from a stable economy and millions of new economy jobs. These solutions are inherently local – they create decentralized resources and require skilled local labor, forever. They pay for themselves and provide capital for entrepreneurs to develop industries and exportable technologies. And they foster community and collaboration essential to surviving in a global economy.

See what I’m saying? This is the same kind of tripe you get from 5th graders.

There are so many more worthy critiques. I’d like to know how you go about “widespread environmental restoration” while expanding farming. And doesn’t tourism usually have a negative effect on nature? I could seriously go on and on about this post all day. (”Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time.”*)

My summary is thus: if we just tax ourselves enough, then the government will have enough money to give us all huge checks and we’ll be rich.

I love that logic. I think I’m going to open my own business. I’ll be a rope lengthener. “Got a rope that’s too short? Bring it to Ol’ Nobrainer. Using advanced technology I’ll remove useless material at the bottom of your rope and tie it to the top where it’s really needed! My work is guaranteed!”

And here’s the shit that I just don’t understand. No, wait, I completely understand and I hate all the motherfuckers who do it. The Democrats and liberals are generally painted as the all-knowing, uber-intelligentsia with a vast, unceasing ability to think, articulate, and govern wisely. Nearly everyone else is some uneducated hick by default. So what does the left come up with? They address nearly every issue at face value without thought or insight into the deeper causes of the problem or the future ramifications of their fixes. Usually this means moving money from the rich to the poor. Robin Hoodism is the cure of all ills it seems — better than Nyquil and ‘Tussin combined. (Remember though, I generally hate all the politicians not just lefties and Democrats, but I repeat myself.)

Damnit, I went off on another rant today. My apologies.

I picked up a copy of today’s Cavalier Daily. I’m mildly amused by some of the mind-numbing editorials. Plus the front page headlines caught my attention: “Student Book Store robbed by ‘gypsies’”, “Police issue summons at block party”, and “Beta Theta Pi fraternity loses charter status over summer”. Beta is apparently doing themselves no favors. The chapter VP said “They want us to be a model fraternity with the best, gentlemanly guys with the most class and the least amount of drinking. . . It’s almost like taking away what fraternities are about — People getting together and having a good time, and most times it involves drinking.” Priceless. Unfortunately the article ends with this paragraph, and I quote, “IFC President Ross Kimbel said it is a long and difficult process for a local fraternity without a”. Yes, I copied that exactly.

Then I laughed at an editorial about how universities should focus on curing social ills. Students should be taught to serve their community not to become successful CEOs who will eventually employ foreign slave labor. In summation, UVA should become more like Berkeley.

But I finally stopped reading when I hit the front page of the sports section. There is a football team here, and it’s coach of 4 years, Al Groh, has recently received a contract extension.

Since coming back home in 2001, Groh has led the charge to re-energize the student body about football — and he has succeeded, transforming Virginia from a “basketball school” to a “football school” in the blink of an eye.

[emphasis mine]

Do any of you, at all, think of UVA in any way as football school? They have a team, clearly. The facilities aren’t bad, but the stadium isn’t “football school” large. However, having the (now former) basketball coach put his team in the toilet and flushed twice (once for the bulk, and again for the remainder) and a football team that has managed to go 16-9 over the last two seasons, is not the same as being a “football school.”

Thank you, try again.

And to close, I ask, what is a student newspaper other than a blog on paper with bad editors and actual press credentials?