Nobrainer’s Think Tank

This is my third attempt at writing this post goddamnit. I’ve got pages of semi-well thought out material and it all sucks. Now I’m pissed.

Education in this country is shitty because the education community contains too many stupid mother(child)fuckers.

What makes the education debate more intolerable, is that so often the proposed “solution” — one heavily favored by, surprise of surprises, the labor unions — is to hire more stupid childfuckers.

In the quality VS quantity debate, the American public has loudly voted that it would rather take the Sizzler restaurant approach.

In distilled form: the stupid are demanding more stupid in the classroom in order to make the stupid children of the stupid less stupid. Like Ron White said, “you can’t fix stupid.” You can only hope to contain it.

Really want test scores and shit to increase? Don’t spend money on shitty new books that come with useless CDs and webcontent and those nice color pictures, or computers that really serve as expensive toys, or even on more teachers. Spend some time and effort convincing the stupid not to breed. Give them all the budweiser, crystal meth, crack, sex, condoms, and maybe even a hint of education they need to keep them happy — and out of the parenting business.

A drugs for balls trade (how much is that heroin really worth to you)? Or let’s give out sex-vouchers, AKA get-laid-free cards, for men and women who undergo permanent sterilization. We can let people fuck to their hearts’ content without having to worry about their piss in the gene pool. Could that be any worse than constantly trying to reform all these unwanted kids?

It’s so perfect it has to work.

A few days ago I posted about themed caskets. I thought I was ahead of the game. According to Fox News (Taking School Spirit to the Grave) I’m a little bit behind the curve.

These days, devoted alumni and fans of their college team can show their undying school spirit — in a college-themed casket.

I have no word yet if there will be Clemson, Marlboro, or Budweiser themed caskets.

I will make the assumption that you all know that certain brands of cigarettes come with their own customer rewards programs. Marlboro has Miles and there’s also Camel Cash. The idea, of course, is to “reward” customers for smoking too much by giving them cheap crap with the company name on it.

That’s a fine idea in need of expansion. Now I haven’t seen any of these catalogues in a long time. Furthermore, I can’t really find them on the internet, either. In my opinion, if google doesn’t find it, it doesn’t really exist. Brad, maybe you can get one from the folks at Philip Morris. But I digress.

They need to be more realistic with their products. Perhaps they could offer visits to Marlboro employed doctors. These doctors will even insist that you are completely healthy and at no risk for cancer. And with healthcare like that, you’d better start planning for your funeral. Save up 40 years of Miles and get an exclusive Marlboro funeral package including a cancerous caballero, smokes for attendees (especially the kiddies), and a red & white hard pack casket (hmm, perhaps cremation would have to be mandatory).

Additionally, I want other companies to get in on the act, too. Why aren’t my national brewers trying to keep me loyal to their product? I find myself wandering to what accomplished drinkers call “good beer”.

Where, I demand to know, are my Budweiser Bucks? I deserve Budweiser keychains, t-shirts, pants, boxer shorts, hats, sunglass, coolers, and at least one #8 Dale Earnhardt, Jr. tattoo (and a removal of the old #25 Ken Schrader tattoo).

Let me ask, who can wait to attend a Budweiser funeral? The beer will be flowing. A stock car will sit idling in the background (free laps around the cemetary after the ceremony). And for your last ride, your corpse will be locked into a casket that’s a scale replica of the #8 Budweiser/Pennzoil/Ritz/Champion/Winston/Nextel Dale Earnhardt Jr. Chevrolet Monte Carlo that is pulled to the cemetary on an antique beer wagon pulled by a team of Clydesdales.

Man that is liver-failure funeral heaven.