Nobrainer’s Think Tank

MTV is trying to save the world again. Yada yada yada… Universities can win a $25k grant and a rock concert for groundbreaking eco-ideas. The sniff test tells me that this is on par with SinceSlicedBread.

First, let’s think about MTV’s involvement. For a good idea they’ll reward you with a bunch of overpriced, no-talent assclowns who will presumably turn the volume up to 11 and put on a groovy light show. When I think of stewards of global environmental awareness, MTV and all that it stands for are always at the top of my list.

Anyway, my ideas.

1. Don’t allow MTV concerts on campus. That should save plenty of hot air and electron flow.
2. Don’t allow MTV on campus. Take TVs out of dorm rooms. Cut off the cable. Or at least tell students that if they find themselves watching MTV that they should turn the TV off immediately and do something else. Anything else.
3. Make MTV not exist anymore. Have they really contributed anything good to the world?

Those will presumably go over like lead balloons. Here’s a couple with more teeth.
4. Replace all incandescent light bulbs on campus with GE compact fluorescents. Let students trade in burned out bulbs for the fluroescents and even actively replace non-burned out bulbs to be used elsewhere.
5. Reverse the “yield to pedestrians” rule. This is a stupid fucking rule to begin with that leads to kids not even paying attention to traffic. Create a “yield to the two ton death machine” rule. The current rule wastes gasoline because thousands of times a day a car has to come to a stop and then re-accelerate. Of course this might also keep dumbasses out of the hospital, which adds an additional layer of benefit.
6. In each dorm room, put in two outlets and don’t allow power strips. And enforce the rule.

And now for the kind of flowery, optimistic, tree-hugging ideas that will probably win.
7. Go organic and celebrate dandelions! (OK, I stole that one.)
8. Screw this computer stuff! Two words, “slide rule.” (OK, this really belongs in the same category with 4 thru 6.)
9. Outlaw brutal sports like football. The electricity costs, the encouraged violence, and the disrespect towards women — not to mention the need for paving over green space for the sake of parking — make this activity one that must go!
10. Create a culturally diverse commission to study how people of different ethnicities use and value power, green space, and other important resources. Take the results of that commission and present them to the overseer of cultural awareness on campus who will then form a coalition of underrepresented peoples who will confer to consider the study. A separate, multicultural committee will be formed to oversee the commission and the coalition. A straight, white, male student will be chastised for being insensitive because he was found to be a closet Dave Chapelle fan. Then hold an anti-Bush rally. Finally, everyone will hug each other and emphasize how much they value each other as people.