Nobrainer’s Think Tank

I’m talking parking here. The whole system behind handicapped parking — while certainly well intentioned — sucks.

Why do they suck?

For one thing, too many spots are being created. My favorite parking garage here had dozens of spots on the first level. The problem is that the garage isn’t really near anything, and none of the busses that run by it are particularly handi-capable. I always assumed they had the spots for sporting events, even though it now occurs to me that those venues have their own better parking anyway. (It turns out that most of the spots, while still extra-wide and surrounded by a lot of yellow paint, have had the handi-signs removed. I wish I had noticed this sooner. My ass is parking there every day now.)

Second, too many people who don’t need great parking spots are getting handicapped stickers.

Third, it seems to me there is a perverse incentive for doctors (or whoever passes out these stickers) to be rather liberal in granting the stickers/passes/whatevers. By giving out handicapped passes, doctors can make their patients (customers) happy without having to really do anything.

For my own amusement, to provide further proof that I am a cold-hearted, bad person (I should probably start a category for this) and that I am certainly going straight to hell; I present my ideas for improving the system.

• In large parking lots at least, tiered levels of handicapped parking will be created. The primary spots are like the ones we have today. Secondary spots are sort of in the middle of the lot. And tertiary spots are as far away as possible.
• Secondary spots are for people who just need space to be able to get out of their vehicle, moreso than to have shorter distances to travel. Tertiary spots are much the same.
• People with motorized personal conveyance are not allowed in primary spots. Ask yourself this, who deserves a primary spot more: a one legged man in an ass kicking contest on crutches, or someone who gets a mean thumb workout driving their hover-round scooter?
• Fat people: if you’re problem derives from your weight, I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve just been relegated to secondary spots at best. However, if you’re parking to go to a restaurant or grocery store, you only get guaranteed parking at the tertiary level.
• Temporary permits can only be granted in 4 week increments. Stiff penalties will be given to doctors are deemed to be handing out permits needlessley. Doctors will also face penalties if their patients are found to be mis-using their permits.

Oh, and some parking issues could be resolved if more states allowed drive-thru beer-barns.