Lately I’ve been getting more frequent emails from the University about fixing any number of things. Each time I’m reminded of PCU. Today’s contribution, with my commentary to help maximize the humor.
Subject: Join us on the Energy Reconnaissance Mission!!!!
Four exclamation points. This is obviously very important. I will post it on my blog.
Greetings!
Do you care about energy efficiency, global warming, and air pollution?
Yes (nearly by definition), kind-of, and sort-of. To fully answer the question, no.
Do you want to help your university reduce money spent on energy?
You see, it’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care. It’s a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and UVA saves a few extra units, I don’t see another dime, so where’s the motivation? Chalk that up as another ‘no’.
If you answered yes to either of those questions…
Boy I’m glad I avoided that trap
Did you know that $25 million is spent annually on utilities at UVA or an average of $1250 for each of the 20,000 students?
No I did not. I suggest cutting out all night-games, crime lights, and liberating the university from those dreadful computers. I kid.
YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE, by helping the university to free up some of that $25 million to put towards better uses, such as more responsible “green” and renewable energy like wind and solar power. The Green Grounds Group Energy Initiative, in conjunction with Paul Crumpler, the University’s Energy Program Manager, has organized step one of this process. On October 19th, you are invited to join us for the first ever UVA Energy-Saving Reconnaissance Mission. We’ll convene outside Newcomb Hall at 9:30 pm, and disperse in small groups to find out just how many buildings are leaving their lights on when nobody is there.
Goals/Results of the Mission
The first goal is to educate the university community about the benefits of energy conservation, both economic and
environmental, and the destruction caused by energy gluttony. Once the mission is over, we’ll compile the data and develop educational material based on the findings, posted around campus and presented to relevant parties.
Energy gluttony?
Furthermore, Paul and his staff will use the data for individual buildings to install light motion sensors and timers where they are most needed.
For the love of god, when you put motion sensors in bathrooms, ensure that they respond to sound as well. I will be a gluttonous energy consumer if it means that I won’t have to wipe my ass in the dark.
The long range goals of this project are to guide the University to conserve more energy, and include renewable and green energy as part of our energy plan.
The Necessary details
What: Energy-Saving Reconnaissance Mission
Where: Starting at the patio between Newcomb Hall and the
Bookstore When: Wednesday, October 19, 9:30 PM
How Long: Between 1 and 2 hours
Why: We are running out of fossil fuels and polluting the air!!!!
Again with the quadruple exclamation points. But I thought the point was to save conserve power. Anyway, I will also add that we are running out of sunlight. We must organize to save the sun while we’re at it.
Who: You, your friends, your professors, your students, your dog, your son daughter mother father
This would seem to imply the mission is limited to only those who grew up in traditionally structured families — a momentary lapse in PCness.
Please respond to this email by Friday, October 14 if you are interested in participating. We hope to tackle more than 150 buildings on campus, so we’ll need all the help we can get!!! Thanks for reading and feel free to send this email along to any other folks you feel might be interested.
Sincerely,
Your Green Grounds Energy Initiative Team
So honestly I don’t think this is a horrible idea. Motion sensors can easily be used to conserve electricity. My building has a lot motion sensors and they tend to work well most of the time.
But there are some contradictions in there, particularly where all the green stuff comes into play. They ask, “do you want to help your university reduce money spent on energy?” It seems the best way to do that is to minimize usage and buy the cheapest electricity available. Based on the text of the email, it seems the real idea is to use less, maintain current spending, but to transition some of that cost to “green” energy sources.
I could be wrong, and I hope I am.
Wow, let me say that if “my dog” can help out the cause, I have been overlooking some rare talents, much like Michigan J. Frog of Warner Brothers fame.