Nobrainer’s Think Tank

Sean Connery: Moo.

Alex Trebek: No.

Sean Connery: Well, that’s the sound your mother made last night!

Well that isn’t Earth shattering. What was my mistake this time? I trusted other people.

Late last week, I realized I was nearly out of the main chemical I use in my research. I had to order more. This should not be a big deal as the company keeps the stuff stocked and ready to ship. All I had to do was print out a purchase order form, a fax cover sheet, and some bullshit saying that I sincerely tried to do business with a minority/woman owned business. At that point, I just needed approval. That should take about 3 minutes.

Before I go on, I’ll provide a little background. As most of you know, I started my work here in late August last year. At that time we had a knowledgable purchasing secretary. That didn’t last long, however, as she took the first opportunity possible to move to a different department. We had a substitute for a few weeks who did a great job. This was particularly important as the state had just imposed some new rules regarding purchasing (ie the bullshit about minority/women owned businesses and 1% “you’re welcome for our business” fee). We finally got a replacement. Unfortunately her training wasn’t very good. I actually spent half a day reading through the disorganized material on the Purchasing webpage so that I prove to her that I was right. She finally got settled in, though, and things were going smoothly. That is, until she quit about a month ago. The same substitute filled in. Actually, I wish she had the job all the time. Unfortunately, the sub had to leave town.

So this takes me to last Friday. I took my PO form to one secretary. Unfortunately, since 2 of them have the same first name, I was in the wrong office. Such is life. I corrected the mistake, figuring I would get my approval. Well the substitute for the sub didn’t actually have the ability to approve anything. She said if it was really important she could make a phone call and get it pushed through. Since it was late in the afternoon, I figured it could wait until Monday morning when the replacement would be in.

Stupid me, I assumed that the replacement would start work with the ability to do her job. This was not the case. She was not authorized to enter the purchasing computer system. Tuesday, I was told, would be the day when I could place my order.

Now, Thursday afternoon, I’m told that I can expect it shortly. I’m not holding my breath.

So what have I learned about working for a government institution? Assume your coworkers, even if not idiots, will be hindered by something, probably another idiot. When everything is running smoothly, order a hell of a lot more than you think you need because by the time you run out you probably won’t be able to get any. Along with that, cautious spending should be largely ignored. Finally, being artificially nice will get you nowhere… except for possibly a higher paying private-sector job.

OH SWEET DUDE, YES! YES!!!

Off to the movies we shall go,
Where we learn everything that we know.
Because the movies teach us what our parents don’t have time to saaay!!!
And this movie’s gonna make our lives complete,
’cause Terrance & Phillip are sweeeeet!

Super sweet!

That were my exact thoughts when I read about “The Aristocrats.” The movie is executive produced by Penn, of Penn & Teller fame. “The Aristocrats” is a movie about “the dirtiest joke ever told,” as told by some comedy greats. Well they already have my attention.

So what’s the joke? Basically, it’s this: a guy walks into a talent agent’s office and says he has a terrific family act. The act, the guy explains, involves a husband who comes out onstage with his wife and two kids.

What follows is the part that can’t be told in this publication, or most others, but it’s the point at which each comedian in the film cuts loose in a can-you-top-this exercise in pornographic oratory. Cut to the kicker where the talent agent asks, What’s the name of the act? The answer comes: the Aristocrats.

The point of the joke, and the film, may be freedom of expression, or self-censorship, or what happens among professional comedians behind closed doors. But for practical purposes, the joke is so absurdly obscene that the viewer is shocked into hilarity, or deep offense. Or possibly both. The conundrum for those marketing the film is encapsulated in its tagline: “No nudity. No violence. Unspeakable obscenity.”

How can I, having always lacked in moral fiber, in good conscience possibly not see this movie. The producers opted to not have it rated, as they saw NC17 as inevitable. Among the comedians involved are Robin Williams, Jon Stewart, Bob Saget, and Chris Rock. The Aristocrats. Unfortunately the release may not be real wide. I suppose I’ll have to wait for the DVD.

Now if only it was a foreign film. From Canada.

I need help from readers like you. It seems the government wishes to cut Whoops, wrong plea for help.

Sometime, probably in the last week, I read about the results of a poll. But when I wanted to reference it last night in a discussion about the economy, I couldn’t find it. I’m optimistic that one of you may be able to help me.

The gist, as I recall, was that a poll found that most Americans don’t have much faith in the strength of the economy at this point. But something like 80% of Americans felt that they were doing very well for themselves.

It’s possible I’m thinking about this excerpt about class mobility.

In another question, people were asked if they thought it was still possible to start out poor in this country, work hard, and become rich. The first time this question was asked in 1983, only 57 percent of respondents thought it was possible. In 1998, in the midst of exceptionally strong economic growth, 70 percent thought it was possible to get rich. Today, 80 percent say it is possible to become rich in America and a mere 19 percent say it is not.

People were also asked about what they thought their own personal prospects were for becoming rich. Amazingly, 11 percent said that they thought it was very likely. Another 34 percent thought it was somewhat likely. Only 22 percent thought they had no chance at all.

Anyone? Anyone?

Now is a perfect time to take away all government funding for PBS. The fiscal conservatives need to be hawkish on this issue. Everyone else needs a huge injection of pragmatism.

This morning I treated myself to an article titled Massachusetts Democrat (seems a bit tautological) calls for Tomlinson to quit. Tomlinson, a Republican crony, has had the gaul to suggest that PBS and NPR, the funded underlings of the CPB, may have a liberal bias. Whether or not that is actually the case, he’d probably be happy to axe all funding, roughly $100 million to the two organizations. $100,000,000 is nothing to sneeze at. So why wouldn’t the Democratic party be up in arms?
(more…)

Thanks to the farkers, I was led to the following gem of a news story.

Here’s my version of the opening:

Some Kenyan guy (no, not a New Zealander) stands accused of banging a sheep.

He was attacked by the sheep’s owner who caught him in the act.

But the real version is much better.

A COBBLER suspected of sorcery was attacked and nearly lynched by outraged villagers in central Kenya today after being caught having sex with a female sheep, witnesses and officials said.

Joshua Kiplagat, 36, sustained a serious head wound when the sheep’s owner threw a machete at him after finding him in flagrante delicto with a prize ewe in the Rift Valley district of Bomet, they said.

What an opening: sorcery, lynching, a machete, and flagrante delicto. See, that writer took an unfortunate sheep-rape incident and really made something out of it. That, folks, is why I am not a journalist. That and I would hate to make a living by writing about sheep fuckers.