Nobrainer’s Think Tank

Well lucky-freaking day! I’m moving on up to the east-side and a big old website in the sky.

We’ll see how this goes.

Before my trip home turned to absolute crap, I was having a good time and making some noteworthy observations.

Somewhere in eastern Kentucky it was the last minute for a gas/pee break. There were two gas stations associated with the exit where I stopped. Because I’m always in a hurry, I went to the one nearest the exit/entrance ramps. Well the place had neither the pay-at-the-pump option (honestly, how do you not have that these days? (I’m surprised they had digital pumps)) and they also had no restrooms.

So after waddling inside to pay for my gas, I dart off to the other filling station. Not only did the other station have restrooms, but their gas was 8 cents per gallon cheaper. Citgo is going to be receive a strongly worded letter from me.

But at the Exxon with the restrooms, I saw one of my favorite products that I hardly every buy: roasted sunflower seeds. Sunflower seeds, much like chewing tobacco, generate a certain amount of waste that must be disposed of. Well these seeds were sold in a bag within a plastic cup. BRILLIANT! That there is effective packaging and marketing. That combination is the winner of the first Nobrainer Award!

From now on, I will dole out Nobrainer Awards to ideas or products whose recent creation was a stroke of genius… or something like that.

So congrats to David Sunflower Seeds.

-nobrainer

It’s a slippery slope and I’m picking up speed (and thus momentum and kinetic energy (sorry, engineering humor, had to be done)). For Christmas I got more UVA related items than Clemson related items.

On the Clemson side I received a Tiger driver head cover. I’m still trying to think of what to name him.

On the UVA side, I got an orange sweatshirt to replace the Clemson one that I have been wearing around C-ville. I also received a pretty nice Nike made polo-shirt. I think it’ll be great for golf. I may have to buy a similar Clemson-themed one so that you fockers don’t kick my ass for wearing Wahoo merchandise in your presence.

- nobrainer

Anyone who is still steaming from their lack of a white Christmas can pay for me to ship them snow. The rates may vary as I have yet to calculate the logistics. There’s plenty here, so quantity is not a factor. Shipping arrangements can be negotiated.

Please email

kneubra@gmail.com subject: snow

-nobrainer

Awesome… this is my first ever blog entry from the road. Of course, this is the first time I’ve ever been able to use my computer while I was in the driver’s seat of my car… on the road. Unfortunately I didn’t get some really fucking sweet voice recognition software. No. Instead I have been stuck on I-75 North in Kentucky for about 2 or 3 hours. I’m not really sure because I didn’t bother to keep track of the start time. I’m inclined to think I started to hit this traffic a little before 9 PM. It’s now midnight on the nose.

The jackasses on the radio have been able to tell me nothing about the traffic problems that I didn’t already know… it’s not moving. Actually they weren’t even able to tell me that. They only said there was a problem on this road somewhere ahead of me. I haven’t moved in at least 60 minutes. This is not good. I’m thinking I might have to use the bathroom soon. I’m seriously contemplating pissing in an empty bottle…

FLASH!! This just in: a wreck is “still causing a delay” on I-75N. Non-moving traffic is not a fucking delay. It’s a goddamn closure.

Although their weather reports indicate that this may be the worst winter storm ever to hit the Indiana/Ohio/Kentucky tri-state area. I feel privileged. If I ever get home, I have every reason to believe that there will be well over a foot of snow at my house.

And since I have every reason to expect traffic to be shitty between here and my house, I’m sure that I still have 2 hours of driving ahead of me. At this point I’m at the 10 ½ hour mark. If you’re trying to do the math, the first thing you should know is that this trip should only take about 8 hours. Yup, that’s right, I’m going to be over 4 hours late… maybe more.

I’m also seriously contemplating walking around from car to car to truck to see if anyone has any alcohol to share. Granted I don’t want to be intoxicated while I drive… but since I’m not driving, I’m not really that worried about it.

Oh, and this was funny… When I decided to get my laptop out of the trunk, I forgot to clean the snow and ice off the trunk first. You probably already figured out what happened. Well in case you’re as slow and as dense as I am, let me tell you that when I opened the truck, all that snow and ice fell right into the trunk. I would expect such mistreatment of my luggage from airlines, but not from myself. Hopefully I don’t manage to lose my own luggage. At this point, nothing is out of the question… except for moving.

Oh yeah, I hate Kentucky. I abso-fucking-lutely hate this god-forsaken piece of shit “commonwealth”. The stupidity displayed by the state’s citizenry is most definitely not “common” and I have yet to see much of anything that relates to “wealth”. And now that I think of it, I saw more salt trucks on roads without any snow or ice than I have seen since I’ve been driving through the shitty, frozen precipitation. If you are from Kentucky, and you are mad at what I’ve just said about your home state shit-hole, then you should kick your friend’s ass since they obviously had to read this out loud for you. If I had better graphics software, I would express my unhappiness in picture form. And by the way, to all the Kentuckians, I extend my sincerest FUCK YOU!

All right, twenty minutes later and nothing has improved. Should I take a nap or watch porn… damn that’s a tough choice.

Fuck Kentucky.

-nobrainer

Addendum: At roughly 3 AM I came in sight of my house. Unfortunately there was about 12 inches of snow blocking the entrance to my street. No worries, I’ll just hit it as fast as I can… G&R.. gun it & run it. Well that got me pretty damn stuck. After some shoveling the car was freed, then it advanced about 20 feet and got stuck again. This scene was repeated for about the 150 yards I still had to go to get to my driveway. Sometime around 4 AM I got inside my house. I completed my 530 mile trip in just over 14 hours. What’s worse is that I had covered over 400 of those miles while in the first 7 hours of the trip.

PS, no matter how badass you are at driving in the snow, trying to drive through snow deeper than the maximum ground clearance of your car just will not work. Fuck Ohio, too!